Speaking Norwegian - Part 3

In the far north of Norway, night lasts for 3 months, and dawn can last nearly 2 weeks. I was therefore also unable to find anyone who had - or ever expected to be - surprised by what was almost inevitably the well-telegraphed and much anticipated arrival of daybreak. Irrespective of the weather at the time

Speaking Norwegian - Part 2

I was also unable to find any adverts where I could attend combined alfresco lakeside fish-poaching and industrial-strength needlework lessons given by an unsympathetic and somewhat vindictive Norwegian ornithologist.

Speaking Norwegian - Part 1

I found this Tourist guide to useful words and phrases in an english-language tourist paper (promoting local attractions, festivals and markets and the like) in Northern Norway this summer.

Usefully, it avoids the obvious - such as "hello", "my name is", "how much is..?" and jumps straight in there with the far more practical words for "earthworm" and "when two people of the same sex dance together".

I failed to find the opportunity to use any of the phrases and even a concerted browing of the personal ads armed with this knowledge failed to throw up any opportunities to arrange prompt meetings with intimidating undernourished gay insect-loving non-european unenthusiastic sailors with tonsure haircuts who travel around in groups of more than 79.

Bryan Adams "Introspective" - Greatest Hits

Just heard this ideal Christmas stocking filler being advertised on LBC 97.3 - London Talk Radio.

Which presumably is the radio station of choice for people who don't like music?

Go figure.

Its Not My Fault!

Found this article in USA Today, that organ of scientific research and veracity:

The theme of the article was that American Doctors were reluctant to diagnose obesity in patients, as they would feel insulted, and either leave (thus costing the doctor $$$) or even worse, sue (more $$$!). Thats funny enough...

Clearly there are more "fat" people out there today (otherwise the article would not be written, however in trying to come up with an explanation (in fact , to come up with an "Its not My Fault! (for eating too much) " explanation) I think the author has somewhat ignored causality:

I woudl argue that an increasingly sedentary lifestyle is a consequence of individuals being fat - not a reason or excuse.

And as for "increased availability of high calorie food" as a legitimate reason - come off it!

Are a whole swathe of society are being ambushed by super-size burgers each night as they answer the door (to take delivery of a Pizza presumably)? Or an epidemic of cheap chinese refrigerators with failing lights are meaning people are accidentally mistaking a full fat 32 ounce Coke (with fried) for a bottle of Evian each and every time they feel thirsty.

Or are food companies simply making more and more high calorie food in order to to feed the insatiable demands of the legions of lardies parading daily across the sidewalks and shopping malls of the USA?? I know which one I believe!

Finally, I can fully accept that some people are genetically predisposed to be "larger". But there are more fat people now than ever before. So unless this is a random mutation caused by previously undetected space rediation, how can this be a reason for the wave of obesity?

Unless it is FAT LOVE becoming more acceptable? More lardies are makin' bacon together, and breeding whole litters of rotund pie-munching piglets?

And if its becoming more acceptable, where is the stigma attached to that - surely this means the stigma of obesity is in decline, not growing?

So, Doctors of America - feel liberated! Tell those pork-barrel patients to rejoice, get as many as you can on your books - and start a dating service in your waiting room !

Society won't wait any more !!





naaah. Freakonomics, thats what this is - not sociology!

Who says Bognor is Boring?

Visitors to Bognor Regis on the beautiful south coast of England can enjoy top quality cuisine at a range of excellent restaurants and chip shops. Outstanding amongst them is "Thai Tanic", named probably unwittingly after a brand of marijuana.

Quite frankly, with reality like this, who needs Little Britain ?

Get down to Bognor and get your take-away order in now !

Its Not Science Fiction

Whats worse:

1, This sign had to be put up after some people DID turn up expecting to see this stuff

2, This sign was put up BEFORE anyone asked to see it, just to cover the museaum in case of potential legal action they might have faced from disgruntled idiots

Cheap Satellites & Leylandii Hedges

Many countries are now launching satellites - usually to spy on each other.

As it gets cheaper - like all technology - you will eventually (soon) be able to buy a back-garden satellite launching kit built in Korea.

And this combination of shed-based engineering excellence, and spying on your neighbour has a readily identifiable demographic target group who will find it most appealling...

The inevitable outcome is that Bose will start making and selling satellites tailored for the needs and wishes of the Daily-Mail reading non-ironic-tank-top wearing chattering classes of Middle England.

Adverts will appear in Sunday Supplements alongside unmissable offeres for collections of wedgewood plates featuring hand-painted illustrations of "Moustaches of The Leading Spitfire Aces of WW2" and "Elvis's Pet Poodles of the 60's and 70's".

Disputes over leylandii hedges will soon be resolved by laser strikes from orbit blasting the trees out of the ground if they so much as lean slightly in the breeze and cast a shadow over their gps-decided suburban plot boundaries.

Fuel price-hikes cause boom in small car sales

The scene today in Richmond, as West London motorists feel the squeeze...

Medicine Sans Frontiers

...is an international humanitarian aid & relief agency, committed to providing medical aid wherever needed, irrespective of creed, religion, colour or nationality.

However this is a rather crowded space. You already have The International Federation of The Red Cross & Red Crescent Societies - and (in a Monty-Pythonesque situation) The International Committee of the Red Cross ("What did they ever do for us??").

There is Oxfam. International Save the Children Fund is out there doing good around the globe. The UNHCR (with their Swiss-based website - clearly a tax dodge) are muscling in on the action as well. UNICEF, The WHO, International Rescue Committee - they all dabble in this "helping people in need" business... And the list goes on, and on and on....

So - if disaster befalls you, a plethora of agencies are out there working to bring you help and relief. Your home has been washed away, all your meagre possessions are lost, but you know the big wide world is caring for you and trying its best to help you.

Finally, the helicopter arrives, and a safari-suited angel of mercy descends to pluck you out of your bottomless well of despair, smiles benignly at you and says "alllo allo!". And you realize then that your luck is still on the wane....

If its The UNHCR, The Red Cross, any of the others - "Hi - I bring Help" actually means "I have the resources of a charity fundraising effort where we have money donated from every single country in the world - the entire global population has contributed to what we are bringing to you today"

But, get rescued by Medicine Sans Frontiers and its not quite the same. "Bonjour - voila - the population of France, 15% of Belgium, 26% of Switzerland - oh, and three other micro-sized islands in the South Pacific France used to own (before we blew them to sh-t in a series of illegal nuclear tests in the 1960's) could manage to scrape together for vous."

And - this bottomless well of generous donations - what will it have bought you?

If its money channeled through Oxfam - every $1 given = enough grain to feed a family for a week. If its the UNHCR, you not only get the grain, you also get a share in some "don't-say-looted" Nazi war treasures held on your behalf by a highly tax-efficient trust fund who's head office features excellent uninterrupted views over Lake Neuchatel and the Matterhorn.

But, if its Medicine Sans Frontiers - every $1 given gets turned into 0.86 Euros, losing 3% exchange rate in the process ("we cannot use that American currency, oh non!"), a further 28 cents goes to subsidize some fat farmer sat supping his latest vintage in the worlds most unproductive - because its still using historic artisonal production methods - vineyard in the Loire Valley, 15 cents gets spent on a damn big monument in central Paris to thank the founder of MSF, and 43 cents makes it to actually buying enough grain to feed a family of one for one day - because "vous wouldn't want nous to be serving any of this cheap non-authentic mass produced bread would you now..?"

So, its not the being saved - its who saves you that counts!