Monday, May 30, 2005
What is it about old age and the love of garden statues? Under 60, and the
idea of having a statue a permanent feature of the bottom of your garden is
about as attractive as having Saddam Husseain underpants permenantly drying
on your washing line. But get to 60+ and the damn things spring up
everywhere - like a rash of chernobyl mushrooms! And not only "statues" - oh
no! Only the most unattractive, tasteless ones will do - and of course, they
have to have no connection to anything in your previous existance! 63 year
old ex Dagenham car plant worker with an interest in Pit Bull terriers? 3
foot high sandstone statue of a Greek handmaiden, thats perfect for me sir!
69 year old ex-farm worker from Lancashire with an interest in keeping
budgies and watching "Monster Trucks-This Time its Truck Wars" on Sky Sports
258? 4 foot high bust of one of the ladies from the court of Louis 17, The
Sun King - Sign me up for a whole damn set please !
Saturday, May 28, 2005
You need to keep topping up the water in a goldfish bowl, or it evaporates,
which means from the perspective of the goldfish their entire world
literally gets smaller.
Imagine if that happened to us? If you didn't clean your house for a week,
it would become impossible to travel to Australia. Couple of months without
a hoover and Amercia is gone - Bruce Springsteen tickets at the Royal Albert
Hall start to get cheaper as he's forced to play evey night as he has
nowhere to go home to. Longer still and Eastern Europe is starting to
disappear - Easy Jet's profits take a nosedive and BNP support collapses as
there are no more foreigners left to come here. Leave it a bit longer still,
and "up North" has gone entirely, and Fulham are playing Arsenal, Chelsea
and Charlton every week. People start cashing in their 6 zone tube passes
In fact, its just like moving to London really, but with a shorter
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Thinking about the classic old joke..
Two Nuns are sharing a bath.
One says "Wears the soap?"
The other replies "Yes it does, doesn't it?"
To be honest, maybe we have been missing the punchline here. Look again at the first line
"Two Nuns are sharing a bath"
Thats pretty funny already, isn't it. What sort of nuns are they that would - presumably routinely, as it isn't set up as the main point of the gag - share a bath? There needs to be a reason for them to be in the same bath - other than lesbianism obviously. Maybe the joke is set somewhere where there is a shortage of water, like California? Perhaps they are from some bizzare Californian religious order who enter the convent and take vows to abstain from sin, gluttony, sex, drink, drugs, covetous thoughts - and to protect the environment by making a concerted effort to try and conserve water.
But actually it can't be that - otherwise it woudl be "Two nuns are sharing a shower" - and then the gag wouldn't work either, as they'd be alnmost certainly using shower gel, not soap. Although thinking of the shape of some shower gel bottles, hmmm...
Perhaps the joke has left out some vital information - for example, they may be the goalkeeper and left winger of the Convent football team, having a communal dip after a sweaty Sunday League match against the Rose & Crown 2nd X1? And the keeper would be the one asking, as they would be less likley to have dropped the soap in the first place?
In which case, I still suspect this is a massive missed opportunity. Whoever came up with the original punchline must have rejected a whole truckfull of nuns-playing-fotbal punchlines to end up with a cheap female masturbation gag like "yes it does, doesn't it".
If you have any Footballing Nun gags or punchlines, please feel free to add them to this post!
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
So, whats that all about then. Liverpool FC win the Champions League final, but it would have been so much better with Motty commentating
Note to ITV - repeating " its an absolutely unbelieveable game, one that will go down in
history etc etc etc " every 5 minutes DOESN'T make it a great game.
Unless I missed something by not being down the pub, it wasn't a
particularly great game at all. Interesting, great scoreline-related-drama
maybe, but "great" - naaaah.
Milan strolled the 1st half, then clever Benitez tactics, Gerrard sweat and a following wind turned the game around - but the commentary team wouldn't know a "tactic" if they swallowed it and ended up with minty breath. For such a high profile game such a poor panel - who offered absolutely NO analysis at all.
Best of all, the talking comedy suit that was McManamannn being asked by
Gabby Logan "who will take the Liverpool penalties" utters the unbelievable
pearl of wisdom "erm, well, probably Gerrard will be down to take one of
them...". My pet rabbit could have told you that !! Get a racehorse
McManamann - you ain't getting a commentary career.
Even worse - trying to use Radio 5 for commentary and watchv the TV pictures was useless - because ITV (digital) seemed to be broadcasting the game 5 seconds late !!
You actually get far better commentary (and lots less repetitive) playing the game on FIFA 200X on Playstation !
However, well done The Reds!