Monday, February 11, 2008

If Primal Scream lived in Chiswick

Spoken section at the beginning of the Track : "Loaded"/Album : Screamdelica

"Just what is it that you want to do? "

"We want to be free! We want to be free to do what we want to do!
We want to be free to ride.
And we want to be free to ride our machines without being hassled by The Man.
And we want to get loaded.
And we want the District line to stop at Turham Green at peak times as well as late nights and early mornings.
And we want to have a good time!
And that’s what we’re gonna do.
We’re gonna have a good time.
We’re gonna have a party!"

Friday, February 08, 2008

If Star Wars was set in West London - Part Deux

The Death Star slowly moves behind the massive yellow surface of Yavin in the foreground, as many X-wing fighters flying in formation zoom toward us and out of the frame. Light from a distant sun creates an eerie atmospheric glow around a huge planet, Yavin. Rebel fighters flying in formation settle ominously in the foreground and very slowly pull away.

INT. RED LEADER STARSHIP - COCKPIT.Red Leader lowers his visor and adjusts his gun sights, looking to each side at his wing men.

RED LEADER : "All wings report in"

INT. ANOTHER COCKPIT.One of the Rebel fighters checks in through his mike.

RED TEN : " Red Ten standing by"

INT. BIGGS' COCKPIT.Biggs checks his fighter's controls, alert and ready for combat.

RED SEVEN (over Biggs' headset) " Red Seven standing by"

BIGGS : "Red Three standing by"

INT. PORKINS' COCKPIT. PORKINS : "Red Six standing by"

RED NINE (over headset) : "Sorry, I'm still stuck on the M4 just coming up to Heston services right now. The traffic's horrendous, but of course John Prescott's bloody bus lane is still empty. Why on earth they wasted all that money to set it up when all it does is create more traffic problems is beyond me!!"

INT. WEDGE'S FIGHTER - COCKPIT.WEDGE : "Red Two standing by"


RED ELEVEN(over headset) : "Red Eleven standing by"

LUKE : " Red Five standing by"

EXT. LUKE'S X-WING FIGHTER. Artoo-Detoo, in position outside of the fighter, turns his head from side to side and makes beeping sounds.

INT. RED LEADER'S FIGHTER - COCKPIT.RED LEADER : "Lock S-foils in attack position - and Red Nine, if you want to risk the cameras in the bus lane, its your call"

EXT. SPACE. The group of X-wing fighters move in formation toward the Death Star, unfolding the wings and locking them in the "X" position, with one fighter still missing from the formation.

If Star Wars was set in West London

A long time ago in a Galaxy just off the Chiswick roundabout...


The evil Darth Vader stands amid the broken and twisted bodies of his foes. He grabs a wounded Rebel Officer by the neck as an Imperial Officer rushes up to the Dark Lord.

IMPERIAL OFFICER : "The Death Star plans are not in the main computer."

Vader squeezes the neck of the Rebel Officer, who struggles in vain.

VADER : "Where are those transmissions you intercepted? "

Vader lifts the Rebel off his feet by his throat.

VADER : "What have you done with those plans? "

REBEL OFFICER : "We intercepted no transmissions. Aaah....This is a consular ship. We're on a diplomatic mission. "

VADER : " If this is a consular ship...where is the Ambassador? "

The Rebel refuses to speak but eventually cries out as the Dark Lord begins to squeeze the officer's throat, creating a gruesome snapping and choking, until the soldier goes limp. Vader tosses the dead soldier against the wall and turns to his troops.

VADER : "Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found those plans and bring me the Ambassador. I want her alive! "

The stormtroopers scurry into the subhallways.

VADER : "And when you've found them, I know a really good Polish bloke you can call - get him in to re-plaster and re-decorate. He's very cheap and does a great job, much quicker and better than those decorators from the Alderbran System we used on the Death Star. Actually, while you are at it, ask him if his mate Stanislaw - Stan they call him - is free to do a bit of plumbing too. This ship is in a great location, but I really think the resale value would go up significantly if there was another toilet, and if that bathroom on Deck Three had a walk-in shower unit instead of a sunken bath - they are sooo 1980's now"

The commander nods, opens his mobile phone and starts to dial a Hammersmith number..