Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Womens Football (soccer) in Mexico

Despite the huge populaity of womens soccer in Mexico, and the massive crowds regularly attending matches for their championship-winning mens team, Club America Ɓguilas (Eagles) - had always found it difficult to persuade players to join their womens team.

Club America

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Want to look a complete tool at the Dinner Table?

If so, those lovely folks at Lakeland Plastics have just the thing for you:

And bear in mind this is a Lakeland Exclusive - so you will not be able to find this anywhere else;

Not in the shops

Not in any other Catalogue

Not on the Internet (apart from from Lakelands own site)

Only people who buy from Lakeland Plastics will be in the know about this wonderful and life (and shirt) saving invention.

Only £5.95.

(plus postage and packing)

Don't let me keep you

Monday, March 20, 2006

Un-American Idol

Worth a thought..?

A jury of vegetarians and people who cycle to work vote for their favourite Fundamentalist Moslem singers, after a twelve week trawl through Billy Bragg's back catalogue ?

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Lakeland Plastics 2 - Return of Sliced Bread!

Hold The Front Page!

You don't want to pay £15.99 to slice your bread evenly?

Too Right!

But, secretly you wish you could sometimes cut bread (and Melba Toast) that little bit more neatly ?

Well Sir, its your lucky day!

Step right up.

Lakeland Plastics have just the thing for you !

Yes, Welcome to The "Adjust-a-Slice"

Undercutting the previous item by a massive £10.04 (enough for several loaves of unsliced bread on which to practice) this more basic model still achieves everything that you woudl wish for from a bread slice size management tool.

It even has a handy picture to show you how admirably it manages to deliver success with the two key (in fact, lets go the whole hog and say "classic") bread sizes

Both "thin" AND "thick"

And, best of all, it can even be used for Cold Meats !!

Proividing extra functionality unseen in the "Even Slice" - all at a fraction of the cost!

Why wait any longer?

Picket yoru local Tesco, Walmart of Sainsburys now and demand the end of useless investment in the provision of sliced bread (contributing to global warming no doubt).


The Adjust-a-Slice is here to save us all !

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Thierry Henry - so good even his sh-ts are "delightful"

From the BBC website live text commentary of the game between Liverpool & Arsenal

1622: GOAL Arsenal 1-0 Liverpool. Arsenal go ahead through a magnificent Thierry Henry strike. Cesc Fabregas splits the Liverpool defence leaving Henry to bend a delightful curler round Jose Reina.

Here we see Henri just after unleashing a delightful curler.

He certainly seems to have plenty of "Va-Va-poo"

Friday, March 10, 2006

Perfect TV

TV is now a science.

Do the research, hold the focus groups, target the right demographic and you have a sure-fire, advertiser friendly hit on your hands.

But in a multi-channel universe, TV producers are finding it harder to come up with the blockbuster, "must watch" format capable of bringing together the many and varied special interest groups into one advertiser-friendly format.

So, with science now being applied, and commercial pressure rising, how long until we see the perfect catch-all TV programme, capable of attracting viewers from every part of the socio-economic and demographic spectrum?

Not too long

And it will be something like this....

A programme about a detective who is investigating a serial killer stalking a group of celebrity man eating Nazi dinosaur sharks whilst they are being forced to live together in an Egyptian Pyramid (that is getting a makeover from Jeremy Clarkson) as part of the preparation for a public-voted pop-singing competition that will be held at half time during a football match on a desert island.

Coming to a Screen near you soon....

tv pic nicked shamelessly from the fabulous http://www.vintagetvsets.com/

Friday, March 03, 2006

Lakeland Plastics

Like the Innovations catalogue before it, The Lakeland Plastics Catalogue provides plenty of low hanging fruit for the casual comedy-photo blog publisher.

Or, to be more precise, provides many pictures of extending telescopic low-hanging-fruit-picking implements with easy twist off attachments suitable for harvesting a range of soft and semi-soft fruit from your garden or orchard (no more stretching on potentially unsafe ladders for you, Sir)

The latest edition includes this ever useful device for the terminally incompetent and cack-handed idiot who wishes to be parted from their money.

Yes, your life has been incomplete without "Even Slice", a £15.99 oversized and unattractive piece of polypropylene (always a stylish delight in any kitchen) equipment to solve that life-impairing problem of occasionally cutting a load of bread into slightly uneven slices.

Now you can safely and neatly cut bread ....into 6 thicknesses. Which is in itself surely risky, as this amount of slice-thickness choice on the bread-cutting front could potentially paralyze some of the more feeble-minded purchasers (a category into which I suspect a significant number of the puchasers will in fact fall) into catatonic indecision, leading to potential stale bread syndrome, malnutrition and even (in extreme cases) death? It is perhaps for this very reason that this is not a product on offer in the more litigious US market.

It promises "Even Melba Toast".


But what does that mean? That some advertising copywriter felt it important to make special mention that this excellent device can be used to avoid the unspeakable horrors of "UNeven" Melba toast?

Or that "even" is here being used to mean "in addition to". In case people may have been reading it thinking "I can see how that would certainly be a great boon in my quest to slice my bread neatly, evenly and consistently. But I am not sure from the writeup provided that it would function equally effectively in slicing bread neatly, evenly and consistently if I planned to then turn that same bread into Melba Toast. But a-ha! There is special mention of its Melba Toast slicing prowess! I am reassured! My Fears are allayed ! Brenda - poass me the phone and my credit card right away, I wish to place an order for this wonderous device!"

Who Knows....?

In one further masterstroke of the copywriters art, and Lakeland so elegantly puts it, "the best thing since sliced bread is unsliced bread".

But lets face it, thats not strictly true is it? If you wish to eat bread, having it sliced is usually (except in the case of maybe naan breadd?) an improvement on its unsliced state. In fact, slicing bread is a fairly key part of the "eating bread" process.

On reflection, to buy a bread-slicing product (a £15.99 bread slicing product at that) from someone who thinks that "unsliced" bread is something that has been invented "since" sliced bread, and is also "the best thing since sliced bread" rather than simply "a state bread is in before you slice it" is simply asking for trouble.

But don't let me stop you buying it....

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Vote Now for Best Name for a BBC & ITV London Presenter

The choice is yours. Its the Match-up of the Century !
BBC's Rizla Teeth vs ITVs Neena Nannah

Rizla Teeth vs Neena Nannah
Which London TV Presenter has the Best Name?
Rizla Teeth (or Riz Lateef as it is actually spelt)
Neena Nannah

Free polls from Pollhost.com

Vote Now !
(or just click "view" to see the results)

(for more info on a similar theme, check out http://www.currentbuns.co.uk/)

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Gameshow God?

The entire world is going "talent show" crazy right now.

On any given night its almost impossible to find a half-decent gritty police drama about a slightly maverick detective with a quirky habit, or a programme about man-eating sharks because our TV screens are now full of ..

"Pop Stars"
"Soap Stars Sing Songs from The Musicals"
"Sports Personalities re-Paint the Old Masters"
"Politicians From Rival Parties do the 2 man Skeleton Bobsled - Naked!"

All these programmes - despite being almost uniformly crap - remorselessly continue to attract a huge audience.

So, as is the law with all "trends", how long until some young, wannabe luvvy but sadly misguided vicar from an inner city parish in the Midlands or North of England latches onto this phenomenon and looks to see how he can harness the cultural zeitgeist to generate increased church attendance from the "yoof" of today?

This would mean that the Trinity of The Father, Son & Holy Ghost gets replaced by "The Jury".

Those who die and go to heaven are introduced by a vaguely familiar St Peter (who you can't help feeling isn't quite as good as Ant & Dec would have been be at this whole "welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven" malarkey) to The Jury.

The Jury consists of a bland non-committal older God who tries in vain to strike a balance between a relentlessly positive middle-aged over-botoxed female Jesus, and a camp, bitchy yet brutally honest Holy Ghost who's every utterance is greeted by a chorus of boos from the watching choir of Chav-angels with Burberry harps who have been bussed in to provide a hooting Springer-style audience.

For those who pass the initial Jury, its not over - there is 12 more weeks of waiting whilst your numbers are slowly whittled down by a weekly global pray-in, on the basis of how many good deeds and how few sins you can commit - live, in front of a studio audience - whilst your family and friends all print up t-shirts with your dead yet peaceful face on it

And for those who go to hell, a dreadful, terrible fate awaits. An interview on the sofa on ITV2 with Mark Durden Smith and a 2 week window of opportunity to be seen in Heat Magazine.
Repent I tell you, whilst you still have time, Repent!