Monday, June 27, 2005

Stealth Technology

Is anything on the planet more invisible that cigarette butts dropped in someone else's garden ?

Most people who drop them seem to think they magically disappear - maybe they think the Filter Faeries* will come along each night and sweep them away?

(* they are a bit like the tooth faeries, but they leave yellow nicotine stains on your pillow.)

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Outlet Mall

Driving on the M53 past Chester today I saw an outlet mall. From the sign it clearly had all the usual brands - Nike, Calvin Klein etc. But it also has a Sainsburys.

Now, I can see the appeal of last seasons gear at knock down prices. But last weeks stale bread? Out of date tins of beans?

No matter how cheap, I still think its No Thanks!

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Star Wars Episode III - Abridged.

Padme: "Anakin - I'm pregnant"
Anakin: "Thats great news. I really hope you don't die in childbirth though."
Padme: "erm... I suppose so?" (exits)

Chancellor Palpatine enters stage left

Chancellor Palpatine: "Hi Anakin - I was just passing, and I couldn't help overhearing that you were worried about losing Padme in childbirth"
Anakin: "Yes, that was my first thought when I heard she was pregnant"
Chancellor Palpatine: "If you are that worried about it, maybe I can help. I know a way to prevent it happening"
Anakin: "Thats great - what do I need to do?"
Chancellor Palpatine: "Erm, just a couple of things. Renounce the Jedi order that you have spent your whole life devoted to, burn down the Jedi Temple where you grew up, kill all of your friends from the past 30 years - oh, and kill their younglings as well.
And you know that galaxy-spanning war you have been fighting on my behalf for the past 12 years? Well, it actually has been me who is the secret leader of the billion strong enemy forces - you know, the ones who have been trying to kill you?
And you can probably work out from that that my leadership of the Senate in this time has really been one long act of callous, vicious betrayal, of everyone you know, in order that my evil two-faced actions could ruin the lives of untold millions and bring suffering to thousands of planets - including destroying the lives and homes of many of your friends.
Oh, and then, once you've done all this stuff you'd then also need to help me overthrow Galactic Democracy so I can become sole all powerful Emperor of the Universe! And I'd even let you be my No2 (and you can trust me on that one, honest).
Anakin: "I could NEVER agree to that you evil monster!"
Chancellor Palpatine: "I could also get you a red Light Sabre if you wanted"
Anakin: "Cool! Thats all OK then. Where do I sign?"

Cut to set from Mount Doom in Lord of The Rings- Return of the King. But with a spaceship added.

Obi-Wan: "Anakin - you have killed the younglings in the Jedi Temple. As one of the leading act-ors of my generation, I am so appalled at being forced to utter dialogue including such shite made up words as younglings I will now cut off your legs and one of your arms in revenge!"
Anakin: "Oh bugger."
Emperor Palpatine: "Don't worry - I can get that all fixed. And whilst we are at it, I've got this great hat in mind that I just know will really really suit you"

Cut to hospital:
Yoda: "Twins, Padme has had. But dead now is she"
Previously Pointless Male Character: "I'll take the girl, and bring her up as a princess. My wife has a hairdressing salon on Sploogle Prime where we can all live together"
Obi-Wan: "Aaah - I wondered why you were here. Isn't Sploogle Prime the planet with the hallucinogenic atmosphere? Anyway, you take the girl, I'll take the boy and leave him down a hole in the desert. And Yoda - probably best you go hide in a jungle for a while. And take this Linguaphone course with you. Please"
Yoda: "Yes - sentence structure proper, learn will I. Shops in jungle selling batteries for tape recorder, hope to find do I"

the end.

Someone elses twisted and funny stuff..


Friday, June 24, 2005

Richard Curtis

If you had the choice between him Obliterating World Debt, or writing a new series of Blackadder, what would YOU choose ?


Thursday, June 23, 2005


I'm staying in a hotel at the moment where the bathroom scales are literally right next to the toilet.

So far however I've resisted the temptation...

Monday, June 20, 2005


Has anyone else noticed how much of our lives are now recorded? Never mind Big Brother CCTV everywhere - everyone has a digital camera - and every year its smaller, better, its added sound, it can take movies.... mine now even has a button that you press and it prints out a contract for the people I photograph so I will have the rights to make photo-tie-in action figurines from them. Everyone has a camera on their mobile (or cell, for you Yanks) phone. Every moment of your life is on (digital) film somewhere some how - even when you are being born these days its a tossup for the midwife between cutting the umbilical cord and doing some slo-motion kung fu for the father as he gets busy being the new Tarantino with his just-bought Sony handicam.

But - with all this filming going on - the art of actually LOOKING at pictures seems to have entirely disappeared. When is the last time anyone said "have a look at my holiday snaps?". Truth is, unless you carry round a PC, 18" monitor and 6 speakers for full 5.1 Dolby surround sound, you NEVER even see anyone else's pictures nowadays - in fact,. You never even look at your own!

So - there is a world of multimedia recording every single act any of us ever makes - but its never ever seen.

Well - almost. This is talking about the GOOD pictures. The ones where you look cool. Where you got the sunlight just catching the wavetops. The ones where it could be turned into a A3 poster, sold in a million shops, appearing on a million student bedroom walls and faking your "Robert Doisneau - Le Baiser" - (French for "lucky bastard") style fortune.

We are forgetting the only place every last bad, drunken hung-over- bad hair day evil twin red eye "you dated HER!!" damn picture ever taken of you ends up.

The Best Mans Speech.

Yes - the million gigabyte mega multipixel multimedia interactive photoshop enabled picture-ipod multi-verse has been brought into creation.. just to make you look a total dickhead on your wedding day. Doh!

But lets face it - the recording technology is outstripping the display media - the A3 picture held up in front of the horrified family and knowing buddies is not really enough to do justice to the multimedia capabilities of the recordings of today, never mind of the future. So, how long before wedding receptions are being held in cinemas - there will be drive in weddings, IMAX weddings even - all so that sound and vision MPEG clip of you aged 6 months, farting out of a pimply arsehole can be shown 3 f__king storeys high in all its 3-D widescreen multiplex glory.

And lets remember the other big societal trends - weddings are going out of fashion. So - what happens to all this multimedia then? It can't go to waste! Maybe soon people will skip the wedding entirely - there will be "Best Mans Speech" parties for unmarried couples - your friends and family pool together a lifetime of 3am phone-camera shots, school sports day peeing-down-the-leg incidents and "you really tried to hide your ears in that school photo" montages, hiring out multiplexes just for ritual humiliation.

And with more pictures, there will be more REALLY REALLY BAAAAD ones. Like, with hookers (old, Wayne-Rooney style hookers). With time and date stamps. Or just really, really bad hair, awful dress sense - showing a side of you you had hoped to keep secret from the love of your life, for good reason. But now there is no hiding - it WILL come back to haunt you. So then maybe some smart ass lawyer will catch onto the commercial opportunities of a "pre-nuptial image rights" agreement - allowing you to separate amicably Britney-style minutes after the vows if the best mans speech reveals anything too unacceptable in all its Technicolour Widescreen Panavision glory?

Who knows - maybe even in time there will be a category at the Oscars - "Best Best mans Video" - before you know it, Steve Martin will be announcing the winner just after "best use of excessive latex rubber makeup" but before "best film in a foreign language".

So - just remember folks - turn the phone off..

Thursday, June 02, 2005


Dont like Garden Gnomes? Try this link for size