Monday, February 23, 2009


Whats with Muffins?

When I was a kid, we had "cakes". Some had icing on them, some didn't. Some had bits in them, some didn't. Some were big, some were small.

That's 8 possible variations of size, coverage of icing, and bits or no bits. None of those variations had any right to take preference over another, they were all equal and together in a big socialist world of cake-based edible things. Nowadays however, a "brand identity" has taken over part of this happy egalitarian cake paradise.

Big cakes, without icing, and with bits in them, have employed their own PR agent. They are no longer simply "big cakes without icing but with bits in them".

They are Muffins. And they are everywhere.

How did this happen? And Why?

Surely "small cakes with icing sugar on them" were once the most likley candidate to break away from the herd - the Cheryl Cole of the cake community's own "Girls Aloud", just waiting for some cute name - maybe even cemeting their de-facto ownership of the phrase "cup cakes" in the process? But no, "big cakes with bits in them but no icing" managed to steal a march on the crowd.

I however have a theory. It's to do with sheer doggedness and determination. And the proof is on the counter of the next (cheap) coffee shop you go to.

Next time you see a "muffin" thats comes in its own plastic bag, just check the sell-by date. I guarantee you'll be amazed - and horrified.

Long Life doesn't even begin to describe how long these evil cakes can apparently last. Often measured in years rather than months or days, Muffins have won the cake battle through the simple expedient of becoming the culinary equivalent of the cockroach - the only food type capable of surviving a nuclear war.

And with such longevity, they already have designs on greater victories, and more impressive conquests.

Just think. A manned trip to Mars would take 21 months to complete.

Which is well within the design parameters of most of todays leading edge Muffins.

Yes, this is what I'm saying.

I believe Muffins are even now hatching a plan to colonise the stars ...