Healing stones

If certain types of rocks, minerals and crystals genuinely do have life enhancing properties, how come the people working in the shops that sell them always look so pale, miserable and sickly?

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Al Quaida cashflow issues

Just thinking about my previous post, in today's highly competitive job-seekers economy maybe other people have also spotted this news?

Maybe as we speak ex-Lehman Brothers managers are busily composing emails to be sent to Osama Bin laden (via his LinkedIn account).

"Dear Mr Bin Laden

I recently read that your organisation was experiencing somewhat of a cashflow issue in recent months, and as a result I wish to make you aware of my experience and qualifications which may allow me to be of assistance, and to therefore enquire whether there is a possibility of taking up a permanent post within your organisation.

In my most recent post with Lehman Brothers I was responsible for generating vast sums of money almost quite literally out of thin air, with only a computer screen for assistance. This sort of experience and skillset I feel would undoubtedly be of value to Al Quaida given that many other ways of raising money which require more conventional business assets such as a substantial staff, manufacturing base or other infrastructure may prove difficult to attain and maintain in Afghanistan right now, what with the lack of power, water, buildings and people due to US air strikes, remote drones and repeated artillery and ground attacks by a variety of western army personnel.

Given access to the appropriate level of initial investment I am sure I could quickly establish Al Quaida as a leading force in the international money markets, and due to the differential trading schedules this project could be undertaken only during the open house of the UK and US stockmarkets, leaving you free to continue to use your webcam and email account to record and disseminate messages to your worldwide PR list of media outlets in the remaining 8-10 hours per day.

My experience with Lehman Brothers following the near collapse of a number of Western economies has also direct relevance to assuming a post with your organisation, as as an investment banker I have during the last 12 months gained substantial experience of being fiercely persecuted by the entire Western media and also many Governments, yet like yourself I too still have managed to avoid being subject to any legal process or period of incarceration.

I have attached a copy of my CV, which lists my previous employment, my hobbies (I have recently developed an interest in both mountain climbing and caving) and I have also attached a covering note which goes into more depth on my personal role in the near collapse of Western Society - a subject which I understand is of keen personal interest to you also.

I look forward for hearing from you in due course.

Your sincerely

Mr Banker"

Al Quaida short of cash?

Al Quaida are running short of money according to CIA.

Maybe they should move to paying their suicide bombers salaries a month in arrears instead of a month in advance ..?

Listerine

Listerine has on it's instructions the note

"do not swig from the bottle"

Now, if you've ever used a mouthwash, I'm guessing you swigged from the bottle. That's what you do. That's how it is used. By everyone.

Saying "do not swig from the bottle" is like Porsche selling cars with notices saying "do not drive fast or overtake in this product" It's like expecting an MP not to fiddle their expenses.

Why not just cut to the chase and have on the label "if this product doesn't work like we promised, well tough cheese as we had our fingers crossed behind our backs when we said it would make your breath smell better and your teeth last longer. Nah Nah Nah Naaaah stoopid!!!"

Posted with LifeCast

Electric Toothbrush Heads

They cost about a million pounds each, yet you still have to click on the little coloured ring yourself. Surely they could have actually finished them before they left the factory?

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Sewn Up Pockets On Mens Jackets

When you buy a new jacket the pockets are usually sewn up. This is apparently because the jacket will hang better, and therefore look better if the pockets are sealed.

You could argue that pockets that arent open, and a jacket - with pockets - that looks better without them, are both examples of products being sold that are not fit for purpose.

Imagine if the jacket logic was applied to cars for example

" yes sir, this Ferrari does have brakes, but we disabled them as it looks a lot better for the Ferrari brand if you don't brake for corners."

Posted with LifeCast

Carpet Shop Sales

Every carpet shop in the country - and probably the world - works on the basis that huge day-glo signs in the window advertising

SALE! SALE NOW ON!

HUGE SAVINGS ACROSS THE STORY!!

CARPET-TASTIC BARGAINS GALORE!!

Now, I'm no expert but surely carpets are things that you buy erm, when

1. your old one is worn out,
2. you spilt something really bad on the last one
3. you redecorate the house and the colour no longer fits

To my mind, none of these are really situations where the presence of a "SALE !!" is going to prompt you into action.

"Hey Brenda - there's a sale on at World of Carpets today s0 hurry up and chuck that glass of red wine on the floor over there pet!"

"50% off at Carpet Zone - stone me, thats fantastic AND unusual - get the roller out Kevin, I know we were going on a 2 week holiday to St Lucia, but this is just too good a chance to miss - we'll be redecorating the lounge this fortnight instead!"

And surely everyone in the world has realised that the sale runs for the best part of 365 days per year, so whats the point in offering the kind of call-to-action incentive to "buy now" that a wild sale represents anyway?

I suppose technically they must have a day or so where things aren't on sale, or they;d be nailed by trading standards for offering "made up discounts"... now, that must be a grim day for Mr Carpet Salesman mustn't it...?

Pregnant Women

Ever noticed how pregnant women absent-mindedly stroke their "bumps" every now and then?

It's clearly some sort of subconscious reaction, which probably signifies that they are trying to establish a maternal bond with their as-yet unborn child... either that or they are subconsciously weighting up whether they could get away without going on a diet ever again.

Old people

Where do old people buy trainers (sneakers?). Those shinky-clean white ones that look like little vinyl dogen cars strapped to their feet?

Whenecer I try and buy a pair of trainers to wear down the gym, I struggle to find any which are toned-down enough for me to wear to actually do sports - most seem to have day-glo stripes, wild laces, and odd splashes of colour all over them - never mind soles that look like they have been ripped out of the underside of a high-tech aircraft undercarriage.

But old people seem to be able to effortlessly find shoes that are so clearly devoid of any sort of sporting style or potential that it looks as if its been sucked out of them with a vacuum pump.

Maybe there is secret "Old Folks Sneaker Barn" somewhere that sells sports shoes for the nearly dead? It also must have the worlds supply of shell suits - as you can't even buy them anymore from a dodgy scouser dole-ite, except if you are old...

Listerine

Listerine has on it's instructions the note

"do not swig from the bottle"

Now, if you've ever used a mouthwash, I'm guessing you swigged from the bottle. That's what you do. That's how it is used. By everyone.

Saying "do not swig from the bottle" is like Porsche selling cars with notices saying "do not drive fast or overtake in this product" It's like expecting an MP not to fiddle their expenses.

Why not just cut to the chase and have on the label "if this product doesn't work like we promised, well tough cheese as we had our fingers crossed behind our backs when we said it would make your breath smell better and your teeth last longer. Nah Nah Nah Naaaah stoopid!!!"