Saturday, June 25, 2005

Star Wars Episode III - Abridged.

Padme: "Anakin - I'm pregnant"
Anakin: "Thats great news. I really hope you don't die in childbirth though."
Padme: "erm... I suppose so?" (exits)

Chancellor Palpatine enters stage left

Chancellor Palpatine: "Hi Anakin - I was just passing, and I couldn't help overhearing that you were worried about losing Padme in childbirth"
Anakin: "Yes, that was my first thought when I heard she was pregnant"
Chancellor Palpatine: "If you are that worried about it, maybe I can help. I know a way to prevent it happening"
Anakin: "Thats great - what do I need to do?"
Chancellor Palpatine: "Erm, just a couple of things. Renounce the Jedi order that you have spent your whole life devoted to, burn down the Jedi Temple where you grew up, kill all of your friends from the past 30 years - oh, and kill their younglings as well.
And you know that galaxy-spanning war you have been fighting on my behalf for the past 12 years? Well, it actually has been me who is the secret leader of the billion strong enemy forces - you know, the ones who have been trying to kill you?
And you can probably work out from that that my leadership of the Senate in this time has really been one long act of callous, vicious betrayal, of everyone you know, in order that my evil two-faced actions could ruin the lives of untold millions and bring suffering to thousands of planets - including destroying the lives and homes of many of your friends.
Oh, and then, once you've done all this stuff you'd then also need to help me overthrow Galactic Democracy so I can become sole all powerful Emperor of the Universe! And I'd even let you be my No2 (and you can trust me on that one, honest).
Anakin: "I could NEVER agree to that you evil monster!"
Chancellor Palpatine: "I could also get you a red Light Sabre if you wanted"
Anakin: "Cool! Thats all OK then. Where do I sign?"

Cut to set from Mount Doom in Lord of The Rings- Return of the King. But with a spaceship added.

Obi-Wan: "Anakin - you have killed the younglings in the Jedi Temple. As one of the leading act-ors of my generation, I am so appalled at being forced to utter dialogue including such shite made up words as younglings I will now cut off your legs and one of your arms in revenge!"
Anakin: "Oh bugger."
Emperor Palpatine: "Don't worry - I can get that all fixed. And whilst we are at it, I've got this great hat in mind that I just know will really really suit you"

Cut to hospital:
Yoda: "Twins, Padme has had. But dead now is she"
Previously Pointless Male Character: "I'll take the girl, and bring her up as a princess. My wife has a hairdressing salon on Sploogle Prime where we can all live together"
Obi-Wan: "Aaah - I wondered why you were here. Isn't Sploogle Prime the planet with the hallucinogenic atmosphere? Anyway, you take the girl, I'll take the boy and leave him down a hole in the desert. And Yoda - probably best you go hide in a jungle for a while. And take this Linguaphone course with you. Please"
Yoda: "Yes - sentence structure proper, learn will I. Shops in jungle selling batteries for tape recorder, hope to find do I"

the end.


Mark H said...

" dressing salon on sploogle prime... That's funny - hence Leia's "cinnimmon bun do" in A new Hope. Your post was worth the read for that line alone (the bit about red lightsabers was pretty good too).

Sploogle Prime though... Sounds kind of Star Trekkish. You're not a Trekkie; Are you...¿ Pending your reply, I'd like to add you to my blogroll.

Heck, I might add you anyway.

Mark H said...

2 Things

1. I forgot to spell check the above comment, so it's probably riddled with errors (sorry)

2. Thanks for the comment on such an old post of mine.

Anonymous said...

I haven't seen episode 3 yet but I suspect I have enjoyed your version more then I will the film.

marshmellow_parade said...

3 ,I'm afraid to say, is worse than 1. I enjoyed the post better. At least it didn't cost me 25 bucks to read.

Jason said...

But why would anyone want to be Jedi in the first place? These guys are the Taliban in space. As soon as someone dares to stand for election as a non-Jedi and have the presumption to be elected by the majority of his peers, the Jedi are in with their attempted military coup to quash any non-conformist views. Jedi Council? More like the Supreme Islamic Council of Iran - now I know why I've always preferred the Empire (not just for the cool uniforms). And it has to be close to child abuse to take them away from parents at such an early age, deny them any emotions, and indoctrinate them with their totalitarian views. Seriously, what a shit childhood that would be! And what sort of person is attracted to an organisation which doesn't allow you to marry and
gives unhindered access to young children? You can just hear the lawyers lining up with their sexual abuse suits. But, as becomes clear, letting kids develop the ability to think for themselves before they're trained
as Jedi always leads them to opt for the so-called "Dark Side". I wonder why that is? That's right - Sith are allowed to enjoy themselves. Being a Jedi means living a miserable life in order to defend a state which makes others live yet more miserable lives. Next time I meet someone who put Jedi on his census form I'll be ready to give him a good slagging for his anti-diversity fascism.

"Difficult childbirth madam? Well, it's all part of nature's way that you suffer and die. No, I've never heard of pain-killers."