Saturday, February 25, 2006

Bad Jobs in The Guardian

The above story appeared in the "work" supplement of todays Guardian .

However the article also contained the rather shocking and disgusting information contained below


More are "in the pipeline"

Sewage engineers?

Well, I guess thats a logical place to find them.... I suppose..?

But, does it imply there is a sewage pipleline connecting Britain and Germany? If so, why have we not heard of it before? Makes the Channel Tunnel not seem quite such an impressive feat of engineering doesn't it?

A cursory Google search fails to reveal that the "Poo Pipeline" was part of some secret British Boffins whizz-bang scheme during WW2 - not quite as famous as the bouncing bomb or cracking the Enigma codes (and not quite as suitable for adaption into a film) but still a possible explanation ?

And, most importantly, which way does the Poo flow ? Is the pipeline actually being used to export Teutonic Turds to England as part of some evil European Union Conspiracy Theory ? Or is the flow the other way? Is there a hyper-efficient German Poo-processing system that Britain is paying fortunes to outsource our sewage treatment requirements to?

As the engineers are coming here, the first option seems most likley. Alert The Sun! Britain is being sent the overspill from the German Poo Mountain, fuelled by excessive intake of cabbage and sausages! And now, in an ironic twist, German sewage engineers are being smuggled into the UK country to deal with their own poo!!

Its a total mystery that for now remains unanswered.

However, one this is sure - any job that requires you to commute from Germany to England via a secret sub-sea WW2 vintage pipeline full of Bratwurst-fuelled poops certainly makes a job in sales not seem quite as bad ....

Grays Anatomy

Grays Anatomy is the definitive guide to the human body. Used as a reference souce by doctors and surgeons worldwide, it has been published since 1858.

A team of renowned clinicians, anatomists, and basic scientists have incorporated all of the newest anatomical knowledge into the latest (39th) edition, reorganized it by body region to parallel clinical practic and added many new surface anatomy, radiologic anatomy, and microanatomy images to complement the exquisite artwork that the book is known for.

The result is the world's definitive source on human anatomy.

So why does it need an online weekly

Are these eminent scientists still discovering new organs, limbs and body parts?

And doing so on a WEEKLY BASIS ????

"Doh - 39 editions since 1858, and I've just realised that we have totally missed the right leg!"

" Gadzooks Henry - you are right - lucky for us, it seems that no-one has noticed!"

"Well, better get it into the next online weekly update - phew, what a narrow escape!"

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

More Global Warming Evidence

Sign seen outside a restaurant in Bognor, on the south coast of England.

Crab, Scallops, Prawns - yes, I can accept them as "Fresh Local Seafood"

Eels - so positively British it makes you want to roll up your trousers and put a hankie on your head

Shark - maybe. Dogfish (known also as "Huss" or "Rock Salmon") is technically a member of the shark family I suppose.

Tuna - unlikley but possible.

Swordfish - Naaaah. There is no current record for swordfish being caught in British waters, but clearly that needs updating. Presumably they are all being hooked and eaten in Bognor Regis before their weights are recorded and sent to the folks at Anglers Times.

I suggest we all send in this evidence to their current collator of fish records to correct this anomaly

Global Warming - can anyone ignore the evidence any more ?

Monday, February 13, 2006

Japanese Catering Outlet Branding

A clear and accurate branding policy can play an important role in delivering traffic to any retail outlet.

It's always useful to know exactly what sort of establishment you are walking into.

Especially if you are in a hurry for alcoholic refreshment.

As Radiohead say, No Surprises.

Friday, February 10, 2006

10 Reasons Why I'm not a character in a British Soap Opera

1. I do go on holiday.
2. I am confident my future career will not involve changing my name and working as a policeman and/or a nurse/doctor and moving to either Holby City or London's Sun Hill district.
3. Were I to inexplicably disappear for several months, my friends might notice...
3.a. .....especially if it were during the pantomine season.
4. I watch TV.
5. I occasionally express opinions about things in the news.
6. I have never been involved in a car accident in which any of the vehicles involved have burst spectacuarly into flame.
7. When I am in a public space, I can almost always see at least 10 people I do not know or recognise.
8. If something exciting is clearly immenently going to happen to me, I rarely experience a 2-3 day delay until it does...
8.a. ....and it is never accompanied or preceeded immediately by strangely familiar music.
9. I can consult the weather forecast in todays paper and be reasonably confident it will be correct.
10. In my experience, snow at Christmas is not a guaranteed phenomenon

Monday, February 06, 2006

Japanese Hotel Phone

Always useful when the hotel phone has been designed and built by the fiendishly clever Japanese telecomms industry to give valued guests "one-button" access to the most important services on offer in the establishment.

Some ergonomics expert has clearly calculated that "massage" is more used than "outside line". After all, havent we all been in a hotel and suddenly needed a massage so urgently you simply do not have time to read the hotel phone directory and dial a 3 digit number?

Hopefully not too many accidents happen by pressing the adjacent buttons....

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Another Musical

Adding to my collection of fliers advertising unfeasibly tasteless and bizzarre musical entertainment, comes ...

Maybe they can get together with the creators of Menopause The Musical and create a musical Kryptonite capable of reducing the hardiest Lloyd-Webber or Mackintosh to juddering wrecks? ...?

Thursday, February 02, 2006


Things that come with instructions but don't need them:
1. Electric toothbrushes
2. Cars
3. Your home city's metro & bus system

Things that don't have instructions, but could do with them:
1. Turkey-size tinfoil (shiny side in, or out?)
2. Playing Cards
3. Hotel room showers (especially in America)
4. un-filleted fish served in restaurants
5. Buses abroad
6. Ski's

Things that do have instructions, but they are never quite good enough to help you achieve what you want to do..
1. Metro systems abroad
2. Someone else's hi-fi
3. Tins of paint

Please feel free to add any more you can think of...