Thursday, August 31, 2006

Country Folk - The New Liberals?

Here's a typical conversation you will have if you find yourself at the bar in any local quaint English country pub:

Normal Person: "Hello Landlord, I'd like a pint of your local Ale please"

Ruddy Cheeked Country Type at the bar (interrupting): "Ooo-aaarh. You're not from round these parts are you? On holiday are we?"

Normal Person: "Yes, we've just driven up from for the weekend"

Ruddy Cheeked Country Type: "Its all the fault of those Ar-abs and Immigrants coming here I tell you. I'd string 'em all up, me - String 'em all up I tell you, and I'd do it myself"

Normal Person: "Erm..."

Landlord: "Here's your pint. Thats tuppence ha'penny"

Monday, August 28, 2006

"Turned by the Police"

This story appeared on the Chiswick W4 website news section recently:

A former IRA assassin turned supergrass is claiming he had no idea a local pub was predominantly used by the gay community after he was robbed by two men he invited back to the home of a journalist he was house-sitting for.

Sean O'Callaghan had been an active member of the IRA until he was turned by the Irish police and became an informant. He was involved in the killing of a female member of the UDR and an RUC policeman. Unlike other so-called supergrasses he has not remained anonymous and has written a book about his experiences as well as a regular column in the Daily Telegraph.

He was staying in the home of well-known journalist and writer, Ruth Dudley Edwards, on Popes Lane in Ealing. One evening in September of last year he decided to visit the nearby pub, West 5, which has a predominantly gay clientele. 52 year old Mr O'Callaghan claims not to have been aware of the nature of the pub but that he had chosen it because it was the nearest to where he was staying.

He met two men at the pub and later invited them back to his friend's house. Once there they knocked him to the floor and he was threatened with knife and tied up whilst they burgled the house. Among the items stolen were cash, credit cards and Ms. Edward's computer which has not yet been recovered.

The police apprehended and charged Yousef Samham, aged 26, in relation to the incident. He denied the robbery saying that Mr. O'Callaghan had asked to be tied up as part of a bondage session.

Now, this story has quite a few odd and amusing elements to it:
  1. An IRA killer is beaten up by two (presumably) rather camp blokes
  2. Someone thinks "who can I get to house-sit for me?" And settles on an IRA killer as the best option. And he then fails to keep the place safe.
  3. Will these experiences also make it into the Daily Telegraph?
  4. What "experiences" have been omitted from the column so far - both IRA related and post-IRA ..?
  5. What bizzarre sort of bondage session involves theft of IT equipment as part of the, erm, "act"?

..but my clear favourite comes from the juxaposition of implications that Mr O'Callaghan has homosexula tendencies, and the information that he was "turned" by the police...

Good Cop, Camp Cop I presume..?

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Tramps and Dogs

Every tramp seems to have a dog tied to him with a piece of string.

The tramps are always smelly, useless layabouts begging on the street

The dogs are always film-stars in waiting, with that cute mongrel crossbreed look, characterful faces and are always even tempered good natured beasties, relaxed at lying in busy doorways, on highstreets and at cashpoints.

How does this happen?

What attracts such nice dogs to such uselss owners in the first place ? Surely they could find someone a little better ....
What a Penguin's beak is for?

What is this penguin doing?

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

An Act you cannot afford to miss????

From the BBC (click here if you think I made this up)

"Guernsey is being visited by a touring company which involves more than 30 horses, dare-devil stunt riders and mythological beasts!

The 2006 production features the Spirit of the Horse quadrille display team, Arabian Stallions in the court of St Petersburg, Germany's favourite comedy horse, outstanding Spanish horsemen from Valencia and the re-creation of an equestrian act first performed two centuries ago."

Now, of course, the stand out act has to be: "Germany's Favourite Comedy Horse"

A description that begs many questions.
  • Why is the horse clearly not as popular in other Germanic-speaking countries such as Austria?
  • How many comedy horses are there in Germany for this one to have to claim to be the "favourite"?
  • Is there an act touring the world that bills itself as "Germany's Second favourite comedy horse"
  • Why has alternative horse comedy not yet taken hold in the Teutonic Equine world?
  • Can a horse legitimately do gags about sheep, cows and goats without being accused of racism?
  • Is there a thriving network of equine comedy clubs, held in stables all across the Bavarian countryside?
  • Or is the Horse-comedian a relatively new city-based phenomenon?
  • What night of the week is best for equine comedy?
  • Why do most comedy horses actually start out as teaching horses ?
  • Does a vet need to be in attendance at all equine comedy gigs, just so if an equine comedian gets a rough ride from the audience and is clearly dying on stage on stage, they are on hand to administer a mercy-killing shot to the head?
  • As the theatrical good luck cry of "break a leg" would, for a horse, actually equate to a death sentence, is there another well-wishing phrase used for equine comedy performers?
  • Does being "the favourite comedy horse" mean your career then takes off, probably into hosting daytime gameshows on satellite channels?
  • Horses are known for having large nostrils. So just how expensive would a comedy horse's coke habit be ?
  • What would heavy coke consumption do to a horses poo?
Click here for the full facts about the comedy horse.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Mexico City

There are over 20 million people in Mexico City. Thats three times as busy as London. Three times as many cars. 3 times as many buses. 3 times as many traffic wardens. 3 times as many mothers in 4x4's on school runs.

It's also the worlds most dangerous city.

You'd think people would move away really.

(Perhaps they are all waiting for a property price boom ?)

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Friday, August 04, 2006

Jump by Van Halen

I get up, and nothin' gets me down
You got it tough?
I've seen the toughest souls around"
These are the opening lyrics of "Jump" - th eonly Van Halen song anyone actually remembers.
They are sung (with great feeling and intensity) by legendary poodle-hair rocker David Lee Roth.
Now, do you really think there is a great deal of credibility in him intoning the words ...
"You got it tough? I've seen the toughest souls around"
Lets face it, the toughest soul David Lee Roth has ever seen is probably a slightly camp LA hairdresser bitching about his previous (female) clientele.
I can imagine this is a man who has probably sent back KFC Chicken Burgers for being too tough for his tastes.
Seen the Toughest Souls around???

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Untasty Snacks

Peas are not especially nice.

Dried peas are even less appealling

So why not go the whole hog and coat them with Wasabi, the foul tasting chilli-extrordinaire style addition that often renders sushi uneatable?

Go on - you know you want some....