Plastic Bags

British supermarkets are waging war on the plastic bag

In ever more fervent efforts to be Green, they all now encourage you to re-use bags, or they sell you high quality reusable ones.

But, being a bloke, this causes immense problems. Because I am unable to remember to take a bag with me to the supermarket. Its a biological impossibility for a bloke to leave the house with a bag that contains anything other than his sports kit or dirty laundry (sometimes both).

So, whenever I now get to the checkout, I have some namebadge-wearing till-worker looking down her nose at me as my shopping piles up at the end of the conveyor and I look frantically for the plastic bags.

Inevitably she then asks me "do you need a bag?"

But thats not what she means.

Oh no.

"Do you want a bag" is really a form of retail shorthand for :

"If I handed you a club instead of a plastic bag right now, I bet you'd be straight off to Canada to hit some baby seals on the head with it.
And on the way you'd probably stop off to inject CFCs from your old fridge into the eyes of some dolphins.
Dolphins you'd catch in a net whilst fishing for whales.
Using nuclear waste as bait.
And you'd leave all the lights on at home when you went.

You evil PLANET KILLING SCUMBAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Its actually like that - I swear..