Thursday, August 28, 2008

Plastic Bags

British supermarkets are waging war on the plastic bag

In ever more fervent efforts to be Green, they all now encourage you to re-use bags, or they sell you high quality reusable ones.

But, being a bloke, this causes immense problems. Because I am unable to remember to take a bag with me to the supermarket. Its a biological impossibility for a bloke to leave the house with a bag that contains anything other than his sports kit or dirty laundry (sometimes both).

So, whenever I now get to the checkout, I have some namebadge-wearing till-worker looking down her nose at me as my shopping piles up at the end of the conveyor and I look frantically for the plastic bags.

Inevitably she then asks me "do you need a bag?"

But thats not what she means.

Oh no.

"Do you want a bag" is really a form of retail shorthand for :

"If I handed you a club instead of a plastic bag right now, I bet you'd be straight off to Canada to hit some baby seals on the head with it.
And on the way you'd probably stop off to inject CFCs from your old fridge into the eyes of some dolphins.
Dolphins you'd catch in a net whilst fishing for whales.
Using nuclear waste as bait.
And you'd leave all the lights on at home when you went.

You evil PLANET KILLING SCUMBAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Its actually like that - I swear..

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

King of Shaves

My choice of shaving gel, King of Shaves, proudly claims it has not been tested on animals

Whilst the thought of diligent researchers removing the facial hair of monkeys, rabbits and sad looking dogs does sound a little unnecessary, my suspicion is that the real reason went something like this:

Researcher 1 " So, what shall we test this on then?"

Researcher 2 "You mean, what animals should we shave ?"

Researcher 1 "Yes. maybe dogs - or perhaps rabbits ?"

Researcher 2 "How about Guinea Pigs?"

Researcher 3 " Its a no brainer. Beavers"

(lab collapses ino childish hysterics, never to recover.... )

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

save food!!!

The world food crisis is now part of the great environmental disaster overtaking the world...

Everywhere food prices are rocketing leading to mass startvation and an upturn in sales in LIDL at the expense of Waitrose.

To help save the planet we are being told to throw away less food and reduce wasteage.

I guess that means as organic stuff goes off really quickly, the people who told last week to buy organic to save the planet were different to the people telling us to throw less out this week then...?

(maybe they are? maybe they will get together and have a fight?)

Guantanamo Bay Trials hit the mark


A jury of U.S. military officers convicted Osama bin Laden's driver on charges of providing material support for terrorism on Wednesday.

Later this week they will be convicting his pilates instructor for providing lumbar support, the man who sold him an X-box for providing IT support, his underpants for providing athletic support, and a small brass band lost on the way back from Pontefract for providing musical support.