Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The Ryder Cup

This years Ryder Cup was played at Valhalla in Louisville, Kentucky.

Wouldn't it have been so much better if it was actually played at Valhalla, home of the Viking Gods and chosen destination for great war heroes slain in battle ?

"Padraig Harrington lofts his tee shot up high, high into the air here at the fifth. Its looking good, looking straight - but whats that? A big fat Norwegian bird with pigtails riding a flying horse has swooped down and plucked the ball out of the air and is carrying it away off the course!" That's a very unfortunate dropped shot for the Europeans on what could turn out to be a vital hole.. "

Saturday, September 20, 2008


Now, as a modern man, having a pureed fruit based drink isn't in itself a problem for me.

Ordering one says "I care about my health"

It says "I know the government guidelines and I am trying to have my 5 portions a day"

It says "I have the originality to order something that is not coffee or tea"

It says "I am not a slave to corporate global marketing and Ican choose not to buy overpriced branded soft drinks sweetened with excessive amounts of sugar"

However, there is still something that I struggle with.

When I get to the counter and survery the list of ingredients up on the board , its relatively easy to choose the one I actually want even though the choices are legion.

But often I end up ordering something I don't really want, just because it's the only one one onffer with a name I would be prepared to hear myself speak in public...

After all, who wants to ask for a "Peachy Smooch", or a "Summer Passion Burst" - or a "Creamey Delight" ??

How about "Hello, I'd like a Tropical Dream please" ? You may as well admit you also have a paid of George Michael white speedos in your back pocket ...

Even worse are those that try to be constructive. The type you get in those healthy shops where you can add blended grass to your drink, and all the customers fight over the copy of the Guardian on Saturday magazine. Why in the middle of such a place would you publicly admit you want to buy something called a "Go Faster Master" or a "Brain Booster" ??

If you ask for a Brain Booster as a take-away it's basically exactly like asking the shop assistant to short change you.... as you will be half way down the street by the time it kicks in and you realise.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Running The United Nations

Once upon a time the UN was led by the wonderfully named Boutros Boutros Ghali.

More recently it was Khofi Anan. (thanks commentee)

Who presumably was just "Khofi An" before he realised that his suitability for the post would be enhanced by doubling up part of his name.

So, given this all seems quite obvious and easy, why did anyone bother with a petition on the Downing Street website to make Jeremy Clarkson Prime Minister of the UK?

Surely it would just have been easier for him to change his name by deed poll to "Jeremy Clarkson-Clarkson" and then he'd have been a shoo-in for the top job at the UN ?

Would have made the Georgia situation a lot better than that French bloke managed. Instead of Sarkozy faffing around ineffectually trying to organise a Russian withdrawal, Clarkson-Clarkson would have just pitched up in his stonewashed jeans and said "Right Putin - its me, you & Hammond, we take one T80 tank, one 8-wheeler armoured personnel carrier, and one 1976 1.1 litre lime green Skoda Favorit with beige interior and no air conditioning (for the Hamster) - first one back across the border into Russki-land wins enough petrol to burn a hole in the Ozone layer!"

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Safe Places to Live In Modern Times

With Global Warming causing hurricanes, floods, and all round Biblical levels of devastation across the globe, the choice of where to live is becoming rather more important, and - lets face it - somewhat tricky.

However I can offer advice. Its simple, easy to remember, and is Guaranteed to keep you, your pets, and your belongings, totally safe in these meterologically challenging times

Simply make sre to choose your home on the basis of its proximity to either:

a/ A School

or (even better)

b/ A Community Center

(Ideally actually live in a converted School or Community Center.)

Barn conversions - no good. Converted Churches - maybe, but still no.


Well, you muist have noticed that these two types of buildings are ALWAYS where people evacuated from their homes due to natural disasters end up being temporarily housed. So, they must be safe, dry, above the flood waters...... so presumably if you live in one, or near one, you can be fairly sure that you will also be safe from whatever Mother Nature can throw at you ...

Invest in buying up old Community Centers and turn them into luxury flats - thats the sure fire way to beat the property crash!

(I think I must have missed the period in world history when the edict went out from the United Nations to tell all member states to make sure their Schools (and "Community Centers") were built to higher specifications than most nuclear bunkers.)

Sunday, September 07, 2008

What goes......

Father, Son, Father, Son, Father, Son, Geek;
Father, Son, Father, Son, Father, Son, Geek;
Father, Son, Father, Son, Father, Son, Geek;
Father, Son, Father, Son, Father, Son, Geek;



The audience in a Cinema showing Star Wars - The Clone Wars animated feature.

(thank you Martin & Joe)