Mr Tourette - Master Signwriter Part 1

Futons

Can I share a secret?

Promise not to tell ?

Futons: They are a bed - and a sofa. One piece of furniture, 2 uses. Magic !

Well maybe not.

The secret is they are actually crap as beds, AND crap as sofas.

Which must be fairly hard to do - to design something that COULD, and SHOULD be two things, but is actually useless as either.

Man Breasts & Russian Hookers

Are you the sort of chappie who works out?

Who works out a LOT ?

But you know that its worth it, as it makes you look soooo gooood...?

Good enough to make it worth your while to shave your chest ?

Good enough that you feel that Anna Kournikova would fancy you - if you met her?

In fact, so sure of this that you think its only sensible to get in some practice at schmoozings the lovely Russian ladies ..... just so you are ready when she next wanders down your street ?

And because you are so sure, so you see no shame in "practicing" your "russian" (ahem) with those east european ladies who are always hanging around the bar of you local 5-star hotel ?

If this is the kind of cool sophisticated guy you are, we have just the item of clothing for you.

Ideal for showing off those lovely shaven pecs !

Proven to help pick up the shapely Eastern European ladies !

Yes - clothes from Charagh Din really does "Rocks!"

Mumbai Sheep Incident

So, I'm in the back of a cab in Mumbai. In of the grimiest and densley populated cities in the world, stuck in solid traffic at a busy junction in the rush hour - noisy, polluted, dusty, insane.

Frantic doesn't even begin to cover it.

I look out of the window to my left, and standing on the (narrow) pavement is a sheep. I've seen goats, I've seen cows, I've even seen elephants in cities in India - but they were unlike this sheep in one important respect. They were all dusty brown - naturally, or from pollution. Step outside in Mumbai and you need a shower. Walk down the street and you are looking for a dry cleaners before they will let you back in the hotel.

But this was a clean, white, totally spotless sheep. Freshly minted, or straight out of a Sheep Laundry that clearly must be nearby...Strange indeed.

So, this clean white sheep is stood there, head down, calmly waiting on the pavement as traffic flies past beeping and honking, spewing out poison only a couple of feet away.

And our clean sheep is untethered. It is just standing there calmly next to this guy, for all the world like a well trained dog next to its master.

And it's standing underneath a sign for a Vegetarian restarant - in fact, they are both just outside, and the guy seems to be chatting to someone who works there. So I think - is the sheep waiting to go in, or are the owners considering a change of culinary strategy....?

But then this thought is interrupted with the screech of brakes and a smash of glass, as over to my right there's obviously been a collision.

Everyone on the pavement looks up and across in surprise. The people in the restarant look up in surprise. The f-ing sheep looks up - and now I know what the expression is on the face of a startled urban sheep !

I can see - as can the sheep - that a bus has bumped into the rear lights of a car at the traffic lights.

From the state of cars in Mumbai, this is clearly not an unusual occurrence. In fact it might be that some models leave the factory only after at least one light has been smashed and 3 scrapes and a dent added to either side of the car.

But the driver of this car is not that calm.

He gets out of his car and starts berating the bus driver.

Who looks down on him from 12 feet up in the air, bemused, and does nothing.

So our man goes to his boot (trunk), opens it up and then gets out a hammer and starts smashing up the front of the bus!!

Cue arrival of Police, cue instant crowd.....cue sheeps attention is still 100% on this pnenomenon....

...and then the lights change and away we go....!

Lord of the Fries

Two dozen spoilt rich kids get left on a desert island, and they gradually devolve as the veneer of civilization is stripped away, and in a shocking denouement they eventually open a fast food franchise.

And get quite fat.

Womens Football (soccer) in Mexico

Despite the huge populaity of womens soccer in Mexico, and the massive crowds regularly attending matches for their championship-winning mens team, Club America Águilas (Eagles) - had always found it difficult to persuade players to join their womens team.

Club America

Want to look a complete tool at the Dinner Table?

If so, those lovely folks at Lakeland Plastics have just the thing for you:



And bear in mind this is a Lakeland Exclusive - so you will not be able to find this anywhere else;

Not in the shops

Not in any other Catalogue

Not on the Internet (apart from from Lakelands own site)

Only people who buy from Lakeland Plastics will be in the know about this wonderful and life (and shirt) saving invention.

Only £5.95.

(plus postage and packing)


Don't let me keep you



tie
lakeland
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napkin

Un-American Idol

Worth a thought..?

A jury of vegetarians and people who cycle to work vote for their favourite Fundamentalist Moslem singers, after a twelve week trawl through Billy Bragg's back catalogue ?

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Lakeland Plastics 2 - Return of Sliced Bread!

Hold The Front Page!

You don't want to pay £15.99 to slice your bread evenly?

Too Right!

But, secretly you wish you could sometimes cut bread (and Melba Toast) that little bit more neatly ?

Well Sir, its your lucky day!

Step right up.

Lakeland Plastics have just the thing for you !

Yes, Welcome to The "Adjust-a-Slice"

Undercutting the previous item by a massive £10.04 (enough for several loaves of unsliced bread on which to practice) this more basic model still achieves everything that you woudl wish for from a bread slice size management tool.

It even has a handy picture to show you how admirably it manages to deliver success with the two key (in fact, lets go the whole hog and say "classic") bread sizes

Both "thin" AND "thick"

And, best of all, it can even be used for Cold Meats !!

Proividing extra functionality unseen in the "Even Slice" - all at a fraction of the cost!

Why wait any longer?

Picket yoru local Tesco, Walmart of Sainsburys now and demand the end of useless investment in the provision of sliced bread (contributing to global warming no doubt).

Hoorah!

The Adjust-a-Slice is here to save us all !

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lakeland
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kitchenware

Thierry Henry - so good even his sh-ts are "delightful"

From the BBC website live text commentary of the game between Liverpool & Arsenal

1622: GOAL Arsenal 1-0 Liverpool. Arsenal go ahead through a magnificent Thierry Henry strike. Cesc Fabregas splits the Liverpool defence leaving Henry to bend a delightful curler round Jose Reina.


Here we see Henri just after unleashing a delightful curler.

He certainly seems to have plenty of "Va-Va-poo"