Muffins

Whats with Muffins?

When I was a kid, we had "cakes". Some had icing on them, some didn't. Some had bits in them, some didn't. Some were big, some were small.

That's 8 possible variations of size, coverage of icing, and bits or no bits. None of those variations had any right to take preference over another, they were all equal and together in a big socialist world of cake-based edible things. Nowadays however, a "brand identity" has taken over part of this happy egalitarian cake paradise.

Big cakes, without icing, and with bits in them, have employed their own PR agent. They are no longer simply "big cakes without icing but with bits in them".

They are Muffins. And they are everywhere.

How did this happen? And Why?

Surely "small cakes with icing sugar on them" were once the most likley candidate to break away from the herd - the Cheryl Cole of the cake community's own "Girls Aloud", just waiting for some cute name - maybe even cemeting their de-facto ownership of the phrase "cup cakes" in the process? But no, "big cakes with bits in them but no icing" managed to steal a march on the crowd.

I however have a theory. It's to do with sheer doggedness and determination. And the proof is on the counter of the next (cheap) coffee shop you go to.

Next time you see a "muffin" thats comes in its own plastic bag, just check the sell-by date. I guarantee you'll be amazed - and horrified.

Long Life doesn't even begin to describe how long these evil cakes can apparently last. Often measured in years rather than months or days, Muffins have won the cake battle through the simple expedient of becoming the culinary equivalent of the cockroach - the only food type capable of surviving a nuclear war.

And with such longevity, they already have designs on greater victories, and more impressive conquests.

Just think. A manned trip to Mars would take 21 months to complete.

Which is well within the design parameters of most of todays leading edge Muffins.

Yes, this is what I'm saying.

I believe Muffins are even now hatching a plan to colonise the stars ...

Credit Crunch Logos

I rarely re-post this stuff that comes in by email, but these amused me

Specasvers Edith Piaf Advert

This is the latest advert from UK eyewear chain Specsavers. It uses the inherent English lack of understanding of foreign languages (in this case French) to make a joke that Edith Piaf is in fact singing the same words as appear in the sutitles.

The song title "Je ne regrette rien" ("I regret nothing") is however a sufficiently well known French phrase such that it would be understood and recognised by most viewers. The song therefore ties in well with Specsavers ongoing campaign slogan "You should have gone to Specsavers" - i.e. you will regret it if you choose another retailer.

All well and good. But for anyone who actually needs glasses, surely this advert will just appear as a short film of Edith Piaf singing in French, with some smudged and largely illegible words appearing below it?

Which is hardly going to help Specsavers very much at all is it?

Pretentious Signage

As seen at Guernsey Airport Food Court (ie cafe).

I'm guessing the "Technical Fault" was that the toaster was broken....?

Dishwashers

You know when you first et a dishwasher its exciting, and you actually look forward to opening it up and unloading all the nice clean shiny dishes that you no longer need to wash by hand..?

And then, eventually, the novelty wears off, and it becomes a real chore to unload the machine and put everything away...?

Well, I've just reached stage 3.

The other day I found myself wondering if it was possible to but mugs with totally flat bottoms (unlike the every-so-slightly concave ones I currently have) so they won't have collected ANY water at all when you open the machine after it stops its cycle.

ouch.

Motorway Service Stations

How come only miserable ugly people stop at motorway service stations? I know stopping at one is a soul destroying experience in itslf, but you stop on the M1, M6, M5, M40 - any service station you choose looks like it's turfing out time from the Jeremy Kyle Show.

Do rich, good looking people simply not need to pee as often? Maybe they just pay someone (a butler maybe?) to hold an empty champagne bottle for them to pee into whilst they carry on driving?

Or maybe there is a totally separate network of secret service startions with nice food and clean toilets that only good looking rich people get to stop in.

Perhaps thats what Works Unit Only signs aually mean? It's a secret code, only understandable by the great and the good?

But Service Stations are one of the few places in Britain you can be guaranteed of hearing the local accent. Thats because they are so god-forsaken that even East European Economic Migrants don't want to take the jobs on offer.

Global News

A man has been convicted of an indecent act with a horse on the island of Guernsey - a small semi-autonomous British dependency located off the coast of France.

With a population of just 50,000, local news on Guernsey is usually pretty, well, "local". However a trawl of Google News shows the story has been picked up by the local Guernsey press, a couple of UK newspapers - all of which you;d expect - but also Ghanaian TVs web news service, Australia's "Live News" website and a news website for Indians living in Thailand.

Given the connected, 24-hour multi-media globally ever present monster that is global TV and internet news and its voracious appetite for any sort of new content, it's simply mathematically unlikley that any story would be picked up and repeated by just 3 international networks.

And its even harder to see why this story has only been picked up by these particular three.

Isn't the internet a wonderful thing?

East European Waiting Staff

Every waitress and waiter in London is not only East European, but the were training to be a Doctor in Eastern Europe before they came over to London.

Now, call me a cynic, but I can't quite see it.

Is there a specific lecture about 2 years into every Eastern European medical degree in which the lecturer accidentally slips in "...oh, and by the way, you could earn more as a waiter in London than you ever will as a Doctor in Eastern Europe..." at which point the entire class ups sticks and heads off to the nearest airport served by EasyJet, clutching a pair of black trousers and 2 clean white shirts?

The Ryder Cup

This years Ryder Cup was played at Valhalla in Louisville, Kentucky.

Wouldn't it have been so much better if it was actually played at Valhalla, home of the Viking Gods and chosen destination for great war heroes slain in battle ?

"Padraig Harrington lofts his tee shot up high, high into the air here at the fifth. Its looking good, looking straight - but whats that? A big fat Norwegian bird with pigtails riding a flying horse has swooped down and plucked the ball out of the air and is carrying it away off the course!" That's a very unfortunate dropped shot for the Europeans on what could turn out to be a vital hole.. "

Smoothies

Now, as a modern man, having a pureed fruit based drink isn't in itself a problem for me.

Ordering one says "I care about my health"

It says "I know the government guidelines and I am trying to have my 5 portions a day"

It says "I have the originality to order something that is not coffee or tea"

It says "I am not a slave to corporate global marketing and Ican choose not to buy overpriced branded soft drinks sweetened with excessive amounts of sugar"

However, there is still something that I struggle with.

When I get to the counter and survery the list of ingredients up on the board , its relatively easy to choose the one I actually want even though the choices are legion.

But often I end up ordering something I don't really want, just because it's the only one one onffer with a name I would be prepared to hear myself speak in public...

After all, who wants to ask for a "Peachy Smooch", or a "Summer Passion Burst" - or a "Creamey Delight" ??

How about "Hello, I'd like a Tropical Dream please" ? You may as well admit you also have a paid of George Michael white speedos in your back pocket ...

Even worse are those that try to be constructive. The type you get in those healthy shops where you can add blended grass to your drink, and all the customers fight over the copy of the Guardian on Saturday magazine. Why in the middle of such a place would you publicly admit you want to buy something called a "Go Faster Master" or a "Brain Booster" ??

If you ask for a Brain Booster as a take-away it's basically exactly like asking the shop assistant to short change you.... as you will be half way down the street by the time it kicks in and you realise.