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I rarely re-post this stuff that comes in by email, but these amused me

Specasvers Edith Piaf Advert

This is the latest advert from UK eyewear chain Specsavers. It uses the inherent English lack of understanding of foreign languages (in this case French) to make a joke that Edith Piaf is in fact singing the same words as appear in the sutitles.

The song title "Je ne regrette rien" ("I regret nothing") is however a sufficiently well known French phrase such that it would be understood and recognised by most viewers. The song therefore ties in well with Specsavers ongoing campaign slogan "You should have gone to Specsavers" - i.e. you will regret it if you choose another retailer.

All well and good. But for anyone who actually needs glasses, surely this advert will just appear as a short film of Edith Piaf singing in French, with some smudged and largely illegible words appearing below it?

Which is hardly going to help Specsavers very much at all is it?

Pretentious Signage

As seen at Guernsey Airport Food Court (ie cafe).

I'm guessing the "Technical Fault" was that the toaster was broken....?

Dishwashers

You know when you first et a dishwasher its exciting, and you actually look forward to opening it up and unloading all the nice clean shiny dishes that you no longer need to wash by hand..?

And then, eventually, the novelty wears off, and it becomes a real chore to unload the machine and put everything away...?

Well, I've just reached stage 3.

The other day I found myself wondering if it was possible to but mugs with totally flat bottoms (unlike the every-so-slightly concave ones I currently have) so they won't have collected ANY water at all when you open the machine after it stops its cycle.

ouch.

Motorway Service Stations

How come only miserable ugly people stop at motorway service stations? I know stopping at one is a soul destroying experience in itslf, but you stop on the M1, M6, M5, M40 - any service station you choose looks like it's turfing out time from the Jeremy Kyle Show.

Do rich, good looking people simply not need to pee as often? Maybe they just pay someone (a butler maybe?) to hold an empty champagne bottle for them to pee into whilst they carry on driving?

Or maybe there is a totally separate network of secret service startions with nice food and clean toilets that only good looking rich people get to stop in.

Perhaps thats what Works Unit Only signs aually mean? It's a secret code, only understandable by the great and the good?

But Service Stations are one of the few places in Britain you can be guaranteed of hearing the local accent. Thats because they are so god-forsaken that even East European Economic Migrants don't want to take the jobs on offer.

Global News

A man has been convicted of an indecent act with a horse on the island of Guernsey - a small semi-autonomous British dependency located off the coast of France.

With a population of just 50,000, local news on Guernsey is usually pretty, well, "local". However a trawl of Google News shows the story has been picked up by the local Guernsey press, a couple of UK newspapers - all of which you;d expect - but also Ghanaian TVs web news service, Australia's "Live News" website and a news website for Indians living in Thailand.

Given the connected, 24-hour multi-media globally ever present monster that is global TV and internet news and its voracious appetite for any sort of new content, it's simply mathematically unlikley that any story would be picked up and repeated by just 3 international networks.

And its even harder to see why this story has only been picked up by these particular three.

Isn't the internet a wonderful thing?

East European Waiting Staff

Every waitress and waiter in London is not only East European, but the were training to be a Doctor in Eastern Europe before they came over to London.

Now, call me a cynic, but I can't quite see it.

Is there a specific lecture about 2 years into every Eastern European medical degree in which the lecturer accidentally slips in "...oh, and by the way, you could earn more as a waiter in London than you ever will as a Doctor in Eastern Europe..." at which point the entire class ups sticks and heads off to the nearest airport served by EasyJet, clutching a pair of black trousers and 2 clean white shirts?

The Ryder Cup

This years Ryder Cup was played at Valhalla in Louisville, Kentucky.

Wouldn't it have been so much better if it was actually played at Valhalla, home of the Viking Gods and chosen destination for great war heroes slain in battle ?

"Padraig Harrington lofts his tee shot up high, high into the air here at the fifth. Its looking good, looking straight - but whats that? A big fat Norwegian bird with pigtails riding a flying horse has swooped down and plucked the ball out of the air and is carrying it away off the course!" That's a very unfortunate dropped shot for the Europeans on what could turn out to be a vital hole.. "

Smoothies

Now, as a modern man, having a pureed fruit based drink isn't in itself a problem for me.

Ordering one says "I care about my health"

It says "I know the government guidelines and I am trying to have my 5 portions a day"

It says "I have the originality to order something that is not coffee or tea"

It says "I am not a slave to corporate global marketing and Ican choose not to buy overpriced branded soft drinks sweetened with excessive amounts of sugar"

However, there is still something that I struggle with.

When I get to the counter and survery the list of ingredients up on the board , its relatively easy to choose the one I actually want even though the choices are legion.

But often I end up ordering something I don't really want, just because it's the only one one onffer with a name I would be prepared to hear myself speak in public...

After all, who wants to ask for a "Peachy Smooch", or a "Summer Passion Burst" - or a "Creamey Delight" ??

How about "Hello, I'd like a Tropical Dream please" ? You may as well admit you also have a paid of George Michael white speedos in your back pocket ...

Even worse are those that try to be constructive. The type you get in those healthy shops where you can add blended grass to your drink, and all the customers fight over the copy of the Guardian on Saturday magazine. Why in the middle of such a place would you publicly admit you want to buy something called a "Go Faster Master" or a "Brain Booster" ??

If you ask for a Brain Booster as a take-away it's basically exactly like asking the shop assistant to short change you.... as you will be half way down the street by the time it kicks in and you realise.

Running The United Nations

Once upon a time the UN was led by the wonderfully named Boutros Boutros Ghali.



More recently it was Khofi Anan. (thanks commentee)



Who presumably was just "Khofi An" before he realised that his suitability for the post would be enhanced by doubling up part of his name.



So, given this all seems quite obvious and easy, why did anyone bother with a petition on the Downing Street website to make Jeremy Clarkson Prime Minister of the UK?



Surely it would just have been easier for him to change his name by deed poll to "Jeremy Clarkson-Clarkson" and then he'd have been a shoo-in for the top job at the UN ?



Would have made the Georgia situation a lot better than that French bloke managed. Instead of Sarkozy faffing around ineffectually trying to organise a Russian withdrawal, Clarkson-Clarkson would have just pitched up in his stonewashed jeans and said "Right Putin - its me, you & Hammond, we take one T80 tank, one 8-wheeler armoured personnel carrier, and one 1976 1.1 litre lime green Skoda Favorit with beige interior and no air conditioning (for the Hamster) - first one back across the border into Russki-land wins enough petrol to burn a hole in the Ozone layer!"